Advice for Trump as he creates America’s next great fighting force

The president this week declared space a “warfighting domain” and said he would direct the Pentagon to create a U.S. Space Force.

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After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say “I want to see the manager.” ~ William S. Burroughs

You would think that every sci-fi geek, nerd and astrologer in America would be jumping for joy after President Donald Trump announced this week that he was going to direct the Defense Department to create a U.S. “Space Force.”

But maybe they were like me and felt the news was bittersweet. I’ve been awaiting this day since I was a wee pup wearing underwear with space ships on them. I never would have guessed that this announcement would come from our current president. The only Milky Way he knows is the one that is covered in caramel and milk chocolate.

A quote from Trump’s directive states: “Space is a warfighting domain, so it is vital that our military maintains its dominance and competitive advantage in that domain.”

The directive couldn’t be clearer. We are going to fight aliens in outer space! Trump must have gotten his intel from the movie “Independence Day.”

So now that Starfleet will be the 6th branch of our military, I have three suggestions for Trump.

1. The Pentagon will have to come up with a designation for officers and enlisted spacemen.

I recommend using the Star Trek insignias of the late 23rd to mid-24th century. They look like Fidget Spinners and metal Lincoln Logs. They stand out due to their presence, and if you get bored you can play with them.

2. We need to turn our fantasy into reality and make lightsabers real.

If our spacemen run into a hostile extraterrestrial, they will need to defend themselves, and we don’t know how many tentacles those beings will have. If they can hold four swords, we’ll need something to even the odds.

I once saw a male Drac in the movie “Enemy Mine” give birth to a baby. And you saw how the Predator gave Arnold Schwarzenegger the business in the first movie. We don’t know what we might have to deal with outthere.

3) On the flip side, we don’t need to assume that all aliens are bad.

In the “Men in Black” movies, some aliens were just trying to live in peace. Before Facebook, “E.T.” was trying to contact someone at his house.

The typical American way is to enslave people and then ask for forgiveness later. We don’t need any internment camps on the moon. Or red-faced men yelling at aliens to go back to D’Qar Eadu Prime after letting them work in our service industry. (Come on now, you know America is going to give the alien with tentacles a job waiting tables at Cheddar’s Scratch Kitchen.)

The bitter-sweet part about this declaration is that it came from Trump versus anyone else in the entire world. A Mongolian goat herder could have made this statement and we wouldn’t have questioned his credibility. Trump says it and now he is barraged with questions that need to be answered by C-3P0.

Is it possible that he might build hotels on the moon? Or that astronauts will be wearing gold lamé spacesuits with Ferragamo space boots? The answers to these are all “yes, that’s possible.” Remember, it’s Trump we are talking about. Even in the vastness of the entire universe, he will do everything bigly.

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