Everyone who is not married deals differently with being single.
Some make peace with it. Others find themselves so overwhelmed with loneliness they can’t sleep at night. Then there are those who enjoy the single life. After all, it does have its upside. Who doesn’t like the thought of coming and going as you please and answering to no one? Still some argue even that gets old with time. As the scripture says in Genesis 2:18: “It is not good that the man should be alone.”
So is anyone really OK with being single? Brandon Brown, CEO and founder of Single, Saved and Serious, said the answer is no.
“That’s the reality,” he said. “When somebody says they want to be single, they are speaking from past hurts or issues that they went through. I don’t think anyone in this world wants to be single. They just deal with being single. It’s OK to be single, but nobody wants to be single.”
Brown held a launch party to premiere his YouTube documentary “Single, Saved and Serious” Saturday (April 2) at Rebecca’s Taste of the South in northeast Charlotte. The 24-minute video, a series of interviews conducted by Derrick “Fly Ty” Jacobs, explores issues faced by men and women who are Christian and single.
Jacobs, the official arena host for the Charlotte Hornets, agrees with Brown that no one wants to be single. As a newlywed who tied the knot less than a month ago, Jacobs says being single was hard. He enjoyed the freedom but hated dating.
“It’s hard to find that individual that complements you,” he said. “You have to find that person you connect with on every level, and I got tired of dating. I don’t like the dating scene.”
Absolutely no wigs or hair weaves please
Most relationship experts and professional matchmakers will advise single folks to approach dating as they would their careers or any other meaningful aspects of their lives. That means they should begin with well-defined list of goals. In order to do that, you must be clear about what you do and do not want.
“You’ve got to know your deal breakers,” said Jacobs. “Know what you will and what you will not settle for. You are not going to find anybody that’s perfect, but there are some things you should not have to deal with.”
At the age of 67, Clarence Lofton, a military retiree, is clear about what he does and does not like. One thing he doesn’t like is an aggressive woman.
“Women are too bold,” he said in the documentary. “They don’t give you the opportunity to pursue them. They just want to pursue the man because they want what they want.”
He adds that weaves and wigs are on his list of deal breakers. He will not date a woman with fake hair because he believes a woman with a weave is misrepresenting her true self.
When Lofton’s opinions aired Saturday night, it caused quite a stir in the room.
“You can have beautiful locs down your back, and still not know who you are,” said one woman, proudly sporting fake hair telling Lofton that her “real” hair was natural underneath her wig.
Lofton acknowledged her point but didn’t change his mind.
“When I grew up in the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s,” he told the crowd, “ women got together on Friday night, and they did hair. There was no such thing as a weave or a wig. So that’s where I’m coming from. At the age of 67 years old, I’m not into the new generation. I like what I like… I’m too old to settle.”
For the record, Jacobs told the crowd he doesn’t have a problem with hair weave.
“It’s just like makeup,” he said. “It’s an accessory… At the end of the day, it’s what’s on the inside that counts.”
Hair weaves were just one of the many topics discussed Saturday night. Other topics also came up like whether or not there is a shortage of good black men for black women to date, interracial dating, dating a blue collar worker over a man with money, how to pray for a mate, if a woman should look for a man or wait for him to find her, and so on.
There’s a reason you’re still single
Much of the discussion involved single black women sharing the issues they are dealing with and black men sharing advice on why many (black) women are still single.
One woman shared how she realized that she was single because she needed to do some work on herself. Another shared that she believes God revealed to her that her problem is she’s a bad judge of character.
One man said he thinks a lot of single women aren’t married because of the company they keep. Another man said many (black) women are single because they are too busy looking for a man instead of allowing God to send the “right one” their way. He referenced Proverbs 18:22, which reads, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” In other words, he said, it’s up to the man to find the woman.
Perhaps single black women and their issues dominated the conversation because women clearly outnumbered men at the Christian-themed event. It’s a common occurrence, which seemed to surprise no one.
“That’s the problem,” said one woman. “There’s always more women than men, and a lot of cattiness to get to the few good ones there are available.”
The start of a movement?
Brown said he found himself single after a failed marriage and two failed relationships. He recalls feeling frustrated, heartbroken and devastated. Then, during one sleepless night in bed, he came up with the concept for “Single, Saved and Serious.”
He got some shirts and key chains made and started posting musings on social media about his experience as a single Christian man. He said his mission is to dispel the negative images of relationships between men and women circulating on social media in memes and portrayed on reality TV. He wanted to provide a positive alternative that could inspire people to approach being single with a more optimistic mindset. About a year ago, he began hosting roundtable discussions about what it’s like to be single and Christian.
“It was like therapy getting everybody together,” he said. “It was helping me as well as helping somebody else.”
Brown said he hopes to use his testimony to spark a movement. He defines the “Single, Saved and Serious” lifestyle as one that consists of “singles who carry themselves as responsible, approachable Christians with great attitudes.” He said it’s all about taking a serious and responsible approach to life, work and relationships.
Throughout all his talks and interviews with single Christians, Brown said the biggest issue they face is “confusion.”
“In such a busy world, it’s easy to forget about The Word,” he said. “You have to be in order with God. You can’t do the same things you used to do. You have to take small steps in order to get to the next level. Pray more. Read The Word.”
He said once a person gets their life right with Christ, everything else, including their relationships, will fall into place.
Jacobs said he is thrilled to be a part of the movement Brown is creating.
“Any time we can have open dialogue about religion and relationships coming together, I think it’s great,” he said. “I’m so happy and so proud that this forum is available, and it’s out there for people to express themselves.”
Brown will be hosting more forums in the Charlotte area and hopes to share his documentary with Christians all over the nation. For more information about the documentary or upcoming events, visit www.sssmovement.com or connect with Brown on Facebook at SSSMoves.